Stephen R. Covey was pretty damning about people’s ability to listen and listen well – his famous quote claimed “most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Is he right? This month I finally started my coaching qualification, something I’ve been wanting to do for a while now and I was excited to get stuck into the course content. What I hadn’t expected was such a strong focus in the first session on listening, and how tuned into my behaviour and others I was after.
Interruption Central
It’s not until a class demo on levels of listening that I really realised how easy and common it is to interrupt someone, whether you’re just plain not listening in the first place, or just can’t help but emphasise and share a story of your own– a quick “me too.” The shock of it didn’t leave me for a few days and I looked at conversations for the rest of the week in a different light – clocking just how often we interrupt and dominate someone else’s train of thought.
The Power of Space
The difference between asking a question and asking a question and leaving proper space is huge. It can be so easy to feel uncomfortable with silence and break it by jumping in another question or your own insights. This one was more familiar to me as a facilitator but there were still times it challenged me. What I love is when you don’t immediately jump in with a follow-up, it can unlock a second layer of information and insight you’d never have access to if you haven’t held the silence a little longer.
The Power of Listening
With all the practice sessions I’m doing as part of the qualification, it made me realise how powerful just listening is, and how rarely it happens (properly) in a lot of our conversations. Having a whole 30 or 60 minutes dedicated to exploring a single issue can feel really intensive and we don’t often carve out time in a busy world to stop and really think through a challenge from lots of angles, and having someone help you do that is invaluable.
An Antidote to Modern Life
I think my summary so far, which feels accidentally very profound, is that coaching feels a bit like an antidote to modern life – focused time without distractions, to walk with someone in exploring a challenge in their life with no ulterior motive, just the sole purpose of helping them to make progress. It’s calm, quiet, explorative, sensitive, supportive and has the power to make someone feel heard and valued, and we could all do with more of that.
Photo by Harli Marten on Unsplash